As a mother to all girls, aged between 3 - 12, I was shocked to hear a mother use the phrase, “one for the man card,” in boasting about her son’s baseball to the face which resulted in stitches in the mouth. When I asked if she really talks to her sons that way, she blew me off, asking me not to over think it…really.

But I have to think about it. I have to concern myself with the messages we are sending our boys, just as I concern myself with the messages being fed my girls.

Girls take baseballs to the face too. Girls get stitches in the lip. Girls play hard, run hard, sweat hard, but we don't keep tallies on an imaginary “Woman Card.” Just saying that sounds ridiculous.

I wonder if Brock Turner’s mom encouraged her young son to fill his Man Card with manly experiences when he was young. Did she teach him to budge to the head of the line? Did she tell him it was ok to take an extra large helping because, after all, he's a growing boy? Did she teach him to go after that thing he wanted? Be assertive! Well, that's just what he did the night he raped an unconscious woman at a college frat party, discretely behind a dumpster. Another one for the Man Card.

Moms and Dads, when are we going to realize this is our own doing? We fill our child’s subconscious mind with these messages. Using simple phrases may seem harmless, but they are sending your child a message “Not ladylike.” “Boys will be boys.” “Sugar and spice and everything nice.” “Man-up.” “Like a girl.”

I, for one, am trying to undo this language in my home. Opting instead to find gender neutral phrases and praising my child’s intelligence over their looks or toughness. I'm building compassion and empathy by explaining how words can hurt quicker than they build up.

As mother to all girls, I am especially aware that one in four women, between the ages of 18 - 24 will experience rape in their lifetime in the United States. Did you read that? By the time my 12 year old is through her undergraduate years, she and/or one of her close friends is likely to be raped. Am I over stretching here?

How can I possibly tie rape culture back to the simple phrases we use in our everyday life? How is THAT the culprit of rape culture in America? Is it possible we haven't found a way to address rape culture because we keep blowing one another off when someone tries to take a stand? Just like we blame the victims?

I challenge all parents to take stock of the messages you are sending your children. Just listen to yourself, your spouse/partner, and listen to your children. How your children speak to one another or to their friends is very telling. (Who do you think they are repeating?) Do you objectify your toddler by buying a shirt that reads”Lady Killer?” Are you hip deep in damsels in distress? Let's learn to treat our children with respect and high regard. They are brilliant. They are capable. They don't have to be reduced to their gender on a daily basis.

I am not a holier-than-thou mother. I fail. I swear like a sailor. I mess up. But I will always apologize to my child if I have wronged her. I'm not trying to friend-shame anyone by writing this. Rather, I'm hoping to widen our understanding and effect change in our society. To the mother of all boys, I honor and respect you. Your job is difficult and much different than mine. I hold you in my heart and I applaud you.

I expect not to be very popular because of this stance on child rearing. Frankly, I don't care. Me, my children will learn to treat each life with respect. Never assuming that the boys want blue and the girls want pink. Each person is allowed to be who they are in my presence, and if boys don't feel manly, that's cool. If girls just want to pound out their aggressions with a hammer, I'm gonna help them do that. You can join me in thinking about the values you impart to your wee ones.

October - New Year

    This is directed to myself, and perhaps, my one follower.  It was October last year when I created this blog; thinking to myself, "I need a place to capture my thoughts which is less likely to be discovered by my child or husband, than my bedside table."  There were plenty of things bumping around in my head and it seemed, at the time that I couldn't quite get them straight.  I was lost, and wanting.  Looking for something to do with myself.  Since then a lot has changed.
     OCTOBER - the start to my year.  The month when things naturally open and close for me.  The beginning and the end. 
    It was a year ago in October when we were alarmed to discover my dad has cancer and we began this battle of will. This October he is not doing well and I fear he is losing this battle.  A new chapter.  A new experience.  I've never been down this road before.
    This October I am wrapping up the details for the MAPC conference that just concluded this past Sunday.  It was an incredible experience to work along side such dedicated & intelligent people.  I am closing this chapter, and looking for my next project.  My next adventure to overcome, and conquer. 
    OCTOBER - For as long as I can remember, and even before that, there has been a significance behind this time.  Not just for me, but for my family.  My mother, her sisters, and my grandmother all behaved differently in the month of October, knowing change is on the horizon.  Seeing and expecting to see the start and the end.  This collective memory that surrounds this time of year is profound to me; influencing me.

Demons, Devils and Whirling Dervishes

My daughter (5) seems to know a thing about angels and demons, or "devils" she likes to call them.  I am not at all surprised by this.  You see, I spent much of my own childhood and teen-dom speaking with forces that no one else could see, and I have a healthy, yet somewhat skeptical, respect for them.

My offspring has always had a sense of the macabre since her earliest days.   Here she is butt scooting down the hallway after swiping mom's pointy hat.  She thinks she's pretty funny.  Even now, as a kindergartner, she keeps her multiple witches costumes in heavy rotation.  It is what she aspires to be when she grows up, "A witch.  One who can make the bad people dead.

 Ok.  There is no real harm in allowing my child to act out her not-so-pleasant fantasies, as long as she knows the difference - Right?  Play for my girl has evolved from "Naughty Girls" at 3 and 4 years old to "Black-eyed Cats" and "Evil Witches" at 5.  From what I can decipher, she puts herself in the role of all powerful, mostly-protector and sometimes judge. One of her prized dolls is the Madame Alexander version of the Wicked Witch of the West from Wizard of Oz, available through McDonald's Happy Meals.  When there are doll problems to be sorted out, this is the lady to talk to.  I feel these are positive roles for my girl to be modeling in the safety of her own home.

Her familiar is a stuffed black cat named Lucy, whom she has had since she was two (about the time the above picture was taken.).  When Lucy cannot be found around the house she confidently tells me that Lucy is taking care of some "business" for her and will be back later.  I am not making this up!

Recently the question of Religion (with a capitol R) has come up in our household; at times to the point of distraction.  I have a deep sense of "spirituality" myself, and as I've stated above, have reason to believe in beings on a different spectral plane than our own.   I have been known to question Christianity, and Mix-n-match with other world religions when it comes to describing my own beliefs.  I never considered how to approach this with my own child.

My Grannie especially, and my Aunt Loretta, whom I try to honor with this blog, were both Kitchen Witches.  (Read the description at the top of this blog again. . . can't you just see her standing there with her apron on?)  From them (and others) I have learned that the heart of a home is the kitchen, and if you pour your love and goodness into your cooking, it will penetrate into the hearts and souls of the ones you care for.  As they take it in, it becomes part of them.  Haven't we all experienced this at some time or another?  Food, and friends, and family together and enjoying themselves. Loretta was particularly good at this.

So my question is this, is this hereditary or is this a learned behavior/belief based on modeling?  My husband reminds me of a conversation I had in the car with my daughter.  There is a water tower near our house that was built long ago.  It has the nickname "Witches Hat" or "Witch Tower."  The tower is clearly visible every time we drive a stretch of highway.  One evening as we were driving my daughter asks, "Mom, do witches really live in that tower?"
   "Yes!"  I say.  "They do."
   " . . .and do they play soccer?"
   "Sure.  They call that 'coven sports'."
This is where my husband nudges me and reminds me that we're driving to church, and I had better cool it.

Carrotcake Muffins

Here is proof that no matter how hectic, crappy or stressful a day can seem, coming home to good food brings joy and delight. 

These made from scratch beauties are from Light Muffins by Beatrice Ojakangas, 1995.  I stole it from my mother-in-law, and have no intention of giving it back.  The little frosting is a basic cream cheese frosting which was not part of the recipe, but truly improved the overall taste and appearance.

Recipe:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees and lightly spray the inside of 12 paper baking cups.  Line muffin tin.

2 1/2 C All purpose Flour
3/4 C  Sugar
2 1/2 tspn  baking powder
1/4 tspn baking soda
1/4 tspn salt
11/2 tspn cinnamon
1/2 tspn ginger
1/4 tspn nutmeg
1/8 tspn ground clove
1 1/2 C finely grated carrot
Mix dry ingredients together in a bowl.  Add the carrots and mix until coated & crumbly.
In a separate bowl mix the following wet ingredients.
1/2 C non-fat yogurt (plain or vanilla)
1 large egg
1/4 cup oil (I like canola)
1 tspn vanilla
1 cup unsweetened applesauce
(It calls for sweetened coconut flakes, but I didn't have that available)

Combine the wet into the dry and mix well.  Spoon into muffin tin, and bake 20 mins.  Allow to cool before frosting. 
Frosting:
1/2 C cream cheese slightly softened in microwave - 10 sec.
3/4 C confectioners sugar

Sexting; modern technology or de-evolution

Sexting is described as v: text messaging with a highly sexual intent or content, v: the act of text messaging someone in the hopes of having a sexual encounter with them later; initially casual, transitioning into highly suggestive and even sexually explicit. 

The media has depicted this as a dangerous teen-aged phenomenon.  As thirteen-year-olds are being brought up on child pornography charges for disseminating images of themselves or their friends to one another, few are asking how the same technology is being used by other age brackets.  Countless articles exist on the dangers of social media, and how to protect your kids from it.  In truth, we as a society need to step back and realize what is going on here is a natural de-evolution of technology.  We are humans, and as such we are deeply interested in sex.  The advancement of cell phones and digital technology has made it easier than ever to “shop” for a potential partner as evidenced by this article by Wesley Tang in New York Magazine.

A recent article in AARP titled C*U*2nite: Sexting not Just for Kids  reveals those over 50 are sexting just as frequently and as explicitly as their younger counterparts.  The article seems to encourage the practice by describing it as “exciting” and “fun.”  The only difference perceived here is the discretion older sexters exhibit in redistribution.  Read this clip from the NY Times Blog Bits:

“when a boy misbehaving at a party took an explicit photo of himself with a cellphone and sent it to a girl in his class — an example of the high jinks known as “sexting.” She sent it to friends who sent it to friends until it reached 300 kids."

Now replace the gender titles with “man” and “woman” respectively, and imagine your father in the instigators role.  Seem far fetched?  You’d be surprised.

Sexting is a cross-gender, cross-generational practice.  The cell phone is a tool, just like a computer or a car.  I feel about as safe in a car with my 67 year-old dad, as I do with my 16 year-old nephew.  They both tailgate, roll through stops, and take corners a little too fast.  They both have cell phones - are we naive enough to think they aren't sexting?  My money says they do; both in their own way and both for their own reasons, be it raging teen-age hormones or boredom that leads to sex as entertainment.

I guess what I am getting at is the ability to text has just modernized a primal instinct - the desire to find a mate & have sex.  Perhaps it is the other way around.  Have our innate primal instincts de-evolved technology?   Food for thought . . .

In favor of Equal Rights to Marriage

Please watch NY senator Diane Savino.
Brilliant!

Fat get fatter - I guess

As some one who has struggled with weight issues my entire life, I feel that nothing makes a mockery of my sincere attempts to loose more than a Twinkie Casserole or an Ultimate White Trash Hot Dog.  Both brought to you by This is Why You're FAT - a website, and now Cookbook!

Now I have been sharing my lunch with a stomach bug for the past few days, so I already feel like I want to hurl.  This website is inspiration to steer clear of the "gross foods" group.  Nasty!