As a mother to all girls, aged between 3 - 12, I was shocked to hear a mother use the phrase, “one for the man card,” in boasting about her son’s baseball to the face which resulted in stitches in the mouth. When I asked if she really talks to her sons that way, she blew me off, asking me not to over think it…really.

But I have to think about it. I have to concern myself with the messages we are sending our boys, just as I concern myself with the messages being fed my girls.

Girls take baseballs to the face too. Girls get stitches in the lip. Girls play hard, run hard, sweat hard, but we don't keep tallies on an imaginary “Woman Card.” Just saying that sounds ridiculous.

I wonder if Brock Turner’s mom encouraged her young son to fill his Man Card with manly experiences when he was young. Did she teach him to budge to the head of the line? Did she tell him it was ok to take an extra large helping because, after all, he's a growing boy? Did she teach him to go after that thing he wanted? Be assertive! Well, that's just what he did the night he raped an unconscious woman at a college frat party, discretely behind a dumpster. Another one for the Man Card.

Moms and Dads, when are we going to realize this is our own doing? We fill our child’s subconscious mind with these messages. Using simple phrases may seem harmless, but they are sending your child a message “Not ladylike.” “Boys will be boys.” “Sugar and spice and everything nice.” “Man-up.” “Like a girl.”

I, for one, am trying to undo this language in my home. Opting instead to find gender neutral phrases and praising my child’s intelligence over their looks or toughness. I'm building compassion and empathy by explaining how words can hurt quicker than they build up.

As mother to all girls, I am especially aware that one in four women, between the ages of 18 - 24 will experience rape in their lifetime in the United States. Did you read that? By the time my 12 year old is through her undergraduate years, she and/or one of her close friends is likely to be raped. Am I over stretching here?

How can I possibly tie rape culture back to the simple phrases we use in our everyday life? How is THAT the culprit of rape culture in America? Is it possible we haven't found a way to address rape culture because we keep blowing one another off when someone tries to take a stand? Just like we blame the victims?

I challenge all parents to take stock of the messages you are sending your children. Just listen to yourself, your spouse/partner, and listen to your children. How your children speak to one another or to their friends is very telling. (Who do you think they are repeating?) Do you objectify your toddler by buying a shirt that reads”Lady Killer?” Are you hip deep in damsels in distress? Let's learn to treat our children with respect and high regard. They are brilliant. They are capable. They don't have to be reduced to their gender on a daily basis.

I am not a holier-than-thou mother. I fail. I swear like a sailor. I mess up. But I will always apologize to my child if I have wronged her. I'm not trying to friend-shame anyone by writing this. Rather, I'm hoping to widen our understanding and effect change in our society. To the mother of all boys, I honor and respect you. Your job is difficult and much different than mine. I hold you in my heart and I applaud you.

I expect not to be very popular because of this stance on child rearing. Frankly, I don't care. Me, my children will learn to treat each life with respect. Never assuming that the boys want blue and the girls want pink. Each person is allowed to be who they are in my presence, and if boys don't feel manly, that's cool. If girls just want to pound out their aggressions with a hammer, I'm gonna help them do that. You can join me in thinking about the values you impart to your wee ones.

Demons, Devils and Whirling Dervishes

My daughter (5) seems to know a thing about angels and demons, or "devils" she likes to call them.  I am not at all surprised by this.  You see, I spent much of my own childhood and teen-dom speaking with forces that no one else could see, and I have a healthy, yet somewhat skeptical, respect for them.

My offspring has always had a sense of the macabre since her earliest days.   Here she is butt scooting down the hallway after swiping mom's pointy hat.  She thinks she's pretty funny.  Even now, as a kindergartner, she keeps her multiple witches costumes in heavy rotation.  It is what she aspires to be when she grows up, "A witch.  One who can make the bad people dead.

 Ok.  There is no real harm in allowing my child to act out her not-so-pleasant fantasies, as long as she knows the difference - Right?  Play for my girl has evolved from "Naughty Girls" at 3 and 4 years old to "Black-eyed Cats" and "Evil Witches" at 5.  From what I can decipher, she puts herself in the role of all powerful, mostly-protector and sometimes judge. One of her prized dolls is the Madame Alexander version of the Wicked Witch of the West from Wizard of Oz, available through McDonald's Happy Meals.  When there are doll problems to be sorted out, this is the lady to talk to.  I feel these are positive roles for my girl to be modeling in the safety of her own home.

Her familiar is a stuffed black cat named Lucy, whom she has had since she was two (about the time the above picture was taken.).  When Lucy cannot be found around the house she confidently tells me that Lucy is taking care of some "business" for her and will be back later.  I am not making this up!

Recently the question of Religion (with a capitol R) has come up in our household; at times to the point of distraction.  I have a deep sense of "spirituality" myself, and as I've stated above, have reason to believe in beings on a different spectral plane than our own.   I have been known to question Christianity, and Mix-n-match with other world religions when it comes to describing my own beliefs.  I never considered how to approach this with my own child.

My Grannie especially, and my Aunt Loretta, whom I try to honor with this blog, were both Kitchen Witches.  (Read the description at the top of this blog again. . . can't you just see her standing there with her apron on?)  From them (and others) I have learned that the heart of a home is the kitchen, and if you pour your love and goodness into your cooking, it will penetrate into the hearts and souls of the ones you care for.  As they take it in, it becomes part of them.  Haven't we all experienced this at some time or another?  Food, and friends, and family together and enjoying themselves. Loretta was particularly good at this.

So my question is this, is this hereditary or is this a learned behavior/belief based on modeling?  My husband reminds me of a conversation I had in the car with my daughter.  There is a water tower near our house that was built long ago.  It has the nickname "Witches Hat" or "Witch Tower."  The tower is clearly visible every time we drive a stretch of highway.  One evening as we were driving my daughter asks, "Mom, do witches really live in that tower?"
   "Yes!"  I say.  "They do."
   " . . .and do they play soccer?"
   "Sure.  They call that 'coven sports'."
This is where my husband nudges me and reminds me that we're driving to church, and I had better cool it.